Parenting Teens: Help! Found Sexually Explicit Book In Drawer
A mother accidently found a sexually explicit book in the drawer of her 16 year old daughter. She asked what is the most effective way to respond to this.
1. Calm down; it might not be as bad as the title makes it sound. Often times, the publishers give names to books in order to sell them but they don’t reflect the true nature of the book. Just go on-line and “Google” the name to see what the book is really about. The truth is that even if your worst fears are realized and the nature of the book is like the title claims, you still have to stay calm. When dealing with teens you need all the “brain power” you have and if you are upset you don’t have too much.
2. Think back to YOUR teen years and try to remember if YOUR parents ever caught you with such a book or magazine. If they did; how did they approach you? If it was effective, then do the same thing with your children. Remember, you don’t have to think “outside of the box”; it’s much better to use proven successful strategies than to make up new questionable ones.
3. Keep on checking the drawer until it is not there anymore. After that, wait a few days, so your teen won’t think that you are speaking about them and tell them the following story, “Emma, a friend of mine at work found in her 16 year olds daughter’s pocketbook (a different place than you found it) a book by the name of …. (the one that you found). Are a lot of girls at school reading it? Is it as bad as it sounds? How should this mother approach her daughter?”
Her response will give you a window to see what she thinks about it. If she answers, “I don’t know why kids are reading it. It’s disgusting!”. Then you have nothing to worry about- she tried it and didn’t like it.
If, on the other hand, she answers “Yea, I heard a lot of kids are reading it now. I don’t know why PARENTS are getting so uptight about it.” Now you know you have a problem.
If this happens then you, CALMLY and respectfully, DISCUSS why you feel that pornography is bad. DON’T lecture. (If you have been parenting teens for a while then I’m sure that I’m not telling you anything new, NEVER lecture- ALWAYS discuss) Tell them it gives a warped and wrong picture of what relationships are and, sadly, could effect their relationships later on. Tell them it could get you mixed up with the wrong people. Or any other reason that you object to pornography.
Don’t expect them to verbally agree with anything you say, just make sure that they hear what you say. If you see that they hear what you say you can add that you trust that she will act in an adult and mature way.
One last thing, she is probably battling with her hormones (or peer pressure) that pushed her to look at it and her intelligence and conscience which tells her not to look at it. She won’t admit it to you but she might be very appreciative of the direction that you give her.
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