Marriage Problems Due to Husband’s Depression? What to Do When He is Just Thinking of Getting Help
Being married to a depressed man is hard (to say the least). If he doesn’t see it then it is even harder. However even after he does admit to himself and to you that he is suffering from depression the game is not yet over. Read on to discover what you should do when your husband admits that he needs help but is still unwilling to get help.
Dr. James Prochaska called the second stage of people who want to change a bad habit “contemplation”. This means that the sufferer of depression is “sitting on the fence”. On the one hand they do recognize that they are depressed and that they need help but on the other hand they have some valid reservations to start the therapy. When they are in this “cost vs. benefit” state you should still not try to push them to go for therapy. It is still too early for this.
Some of the common arguments that they will bring up against going to therapy are:
*Expense. This is not a bizarre concern. Therapists and medications are not cheap.
*It will only make things worth. They are afraid that if they begin to tackle their situation things might get worse.
* Social fears. In our society there is a stigma to suffer from psychological disorders. People are not embarrassed and don’t keep it quiet that they have high cholesterol or back problems. On the other hands people are very embarrassed to admit that they suffer from depression or other neurological disorders.
*Perfectionism. The suffer might bring up the argument that they are willing to go to someone, but only to someone who is THE expert in treating depressed people. They feel that for all the effort that they have to put in to get better, there is no reason to go anyone but THE best.
What is your job when your loved one is going through this stage?
* Firstly, DON’T push them to go to therapy yet. You might be so enthusiastic that he finally sees his problem and admits to it that you’ll be trying to push him to get help RIGHT NOW. This is a big mistake. If he begins treatment BEFORE he realizes that the benefit (not being depressed) outweighs the cost (the money, the social stigma, the chance of failing) then he won’t go through with it and drop out in the middle. When he sees that check going out of the bank, hears an unintentional joke about people going to psychologists, or when it gets tough at the psychologist then he will stop it and won’t go back to it for a long time.
* Validate their arguments and tell them that you understand where they are coming from.
*Reassure them that you are not pushing them to anything and that the decision rests in their hand.
* Help him to see how the benefits overweigh the cost. This is done in two ways; to show him how big the benefits are or to point out to him that the costs are not so great as they seem to be.
For instance, if he argues that it is very expensive to go to a therapist then you should point out the cost of NOT going to therapist; the missed work days or the extra help in the house that you need to hire.
If he is scared that others will find out that he is going for treatment then you can help make a plan that it will stay a secret.
If you are having marriage problems and your loved one is holding in the contemplation stage of change, it is very important that YOU stay very patient and don’t jump the gun. Hold in your excitement and wait patiently for him to come to the logical conclusion that, at almost all costs, it is worth it worth it for him to fight his depression.
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