Financial Problems In Marriage: The First Step To Reduce Friction
Hank and Alice fight over money. A lot! Their relationship is endangered by their financial problems in marriage. Alice is the thrifty one, saving every penny and denying herself treats in order to put money where she thinks it really belongs: paying bills, saving for retirement, and paying more than is owed on the mortgage.
Hank, on the other hand, is a habitual spendthrift. He grew up with a generous allowance and no real responsibilities; his parents paid for everything he requested, so he’s used to having what he wants. After several harsh fights with Alice, he grew to recognize what was going on and has been working to stop the problem.
But Alice, he thinks, can’t let it go. He slips, every so often. Buys a round for his friends at the bar. Picks up two new albums instead of the one he’s allotted each week. It’s an impulse that he’s beginning to control. But Alice catches every mistake and picks away at it, lecturing him about the virtues of being frugal…..
What’s the problem here? Surprisingly it’s not really financial problems in marriage that is causing all of the friction and hard feelings. It’s also not that they don’t care for each other. Instead, it’s a lack of understanding. Hank is trying to change for Alice, but she is not recognizing his change. In order to understand Hank, she needs to understand change and how to handle it.
According to the Transtheoretical Model for Change (that’s a mouthful), there are five stages in making a life change:
1. Pre-contemplation a person is not yet willing to change, and may not even recognize the need for change.
2. Contemplation: The stage after a person has recognized the need for change, but is not quite ready to start changing, often because of a fear of change.
3. Preparation: The person is ready to change and starts to make a plan for changing – setting goals, getting a structure to support him, etc.
4. Action stage: The coveted state! But also the most unstable point, when a person is actually in the process of changing. Things are not yet in equilibrium.
5. The maintenance stage: The person has finally made the change, reached equilibrium, and only needs to maintain the goal.
Each stage must be treated in a different way. In the case of Alice and Hank, he’s deep in the action stage, when things shift and change a lot. Alice does not recognize this and is treating him as if he’s in the pre-contemplation stage, constantly lecturing him. By not recognizing the fact that he’s moving well toward change, she comes across as a nag, and ironically making him backslide rather than helping him move forward.
To save the marriage, all she needs to recognize the work that Hank has made toward fixing the financial problems in marriage, and applaud him for them. He has been working hard to fix the changes he recognizes he needs to make. This will surely encourage him to move forward.
(It may be time for Alice to recognize a need for change in herself, in fact. Her thriftiness may be a misplaced sense of virtue; while being thrifty is good, she doesn’t need to deny herself everything – and she certainly is being unfair to expect Hank to find pleasure in denying himself everything, the way she seems to.)
By paying attention to the stages of change one is in, problems can be addressed constructively; instead of nagging Hank, Alice could have recognized his work, forgiven his backsliding, and reassured him that he could do better tomorrow.
If you are having financial problems in marriage take the time to recognize what is really going on with your spouse. Careful attention to changes can make a bad marriage good, and a good marriage great and bring you both back to be close with each other.
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