Physical abuse brings pain to your body. It can be treated at once and after a few days or weeks, the pain is gone. But emotional abuse strains the mind, that it can negatively influence the character of a person.

When physical hurt is present, emotional distress is also likely to happen. When your spouse beats you up, it forms a wound inside of you that may not be noticeable at the present moment but eventually becomes worse until it  eats up the whole being of your partner. Generally, people who receive beatings have low self- confidence, that they can’t even trust themselves.

Emotional abuse is not also about how much pitiful you can be after getting the bruises and all. It’s also about controlling your spouse.  For example, you try to control  the choices of your partner, his or her actions, or the people he or she interacts with. You do this so there will be total dependence on you for everything, whether it is materially or socially. From there, the victim will be forced to follow all your wishes.

Another form of emotional abuse is the one we get from hurtful words that come from others, including our spouse. Constant nagging and the use of degrading words are examples of verbal abuse which could weaken the emotions and change the mindset of a person. This is a harsh reality and it’s hard to accept, especially when it’s done by the one you love.

Below are some ways to triumph over emotional abuse.

Stop verbal abuse. An old saying goes, “When you don’t have something nice to say don’t say anything at all.” Learn to use positive, uplifting words that will boost the strengths of your partner, rather than pointing out all the mistakes done in the past. After all, the one you call your better half, should indeed be a better version of who you are.

Tell your hurts to your partner. Keeping silent or hiding your hurts won’t do anything good at all to solve the problem. It may even make matters worse for you and your spouse. Never mind how the abuser will react. The important thing is you have chosen to let go of your feelings so your partner will know that you won’t let yourself be abused any longer, in any way or another.

Try Marital Counseling. When the situation gets out of hand, you can seek help from a reputable marriage counselor. If your spouse does not want to, give them time and wait patiently. Go on with your lessons about marriage and inner healing so you will become a better spouse. Who knows? This will someday be the instrument for the abuser to realize his or her mistakes.

Is your marriage still in trouble after abuse. If you are interested to save your marriage then click here and discover over 30 tips and techniques to salvage your troubled marriage.

Is There A Problem?

First off you have to understand if your spouse really even believes that there is a problem. Just because you think there’s a problem doesn’t mean they do. What seems like normal behavior, such as fighting all the time, to one person may not seem like normal to another. Trying to fix your marriage at this point would be useless. You need to focus on helping your spouse understand that there is a problem. Only then can you fix it.

Taking Action

The next step is taking action. Once your spouse admits there’s a problem, that doesn’t mean they want to do anything about it. You need to decide if you think they will cooperate and help you fix your marriage. He might simply think things will work out just fine if you leave them alone. He might also think that there is no fixing the problem, the situation is too far out of control. If this is his mind set, then again, there is no sense in wearing yourself out trying to convince him it needs fixed. You’re going to have to try and help him to understand that things are not going to get better and the problem is not going to just disappear. At this point trying to find an answer is useless. They have to want a solution.

Working at It

The next question you need to ask in order to fix your marriage is one that can be hard to answer. Is your spouse willing to keep working at fixing your marriage? Marriage problems don’t happen overnight. It takes a long period of time for things to deteriorate. Not everyone has the same amount of patience in dealing with things. If you have gotten your spouse to the point where they are willing to admit that there is a problem and they’re willing to take action but it seems they are losing patience hang in there. Don’t nag about the problem or about that they promised to do to help. Keep your focus strong on doing what you can do make your marriage better.

It is hard to fix your marriage and you can’t do it alone. If you feel like your husband, or wife, is not concerned with putting everything into restoring your marriage then identifying where the problem lies can help move you onto the next step in restoration. If they can’t see the problem, they won’t want to fix it. If they don’t believe it can be fixed they won’t want to take action. If they are impatient they may not want to keep working at it. Figure out where they are at and help them move on, with you, to the next step. Together you can fix your marriage and enjoy each other once again.

If you need advice to fix your marriage, visit this page to receive a free special report with 29 tips on how to solve your marital problems.

Loneliness

There is nothing more terrible than feeling like you’re alone. Feeling lonely can affect everything a person does. It can make you angry and feel like you’re worthless. It is very harmful. It causes a person to turn inwards and become critical of themselves and others. You may long to be in a relationship, and to talk with others, but that is not your situation. The lonely situation you find yourself in as a result of a divorce and can wreak emotional havoc in your life.

Blaming yourself

Self-blame is another result of divorce. No matter how much your head tells you that you did everything you could to save your marriage your heart may tell you different. This may not be logical but it is very common. You may be blaming yourself into two different ways. You may blame yourself for your behavior. You may think that there was something, some action or deed; you could have done to make it different. Or you can list the many things you shouldn’t have done. Another way you can blame yourself is by thinking there is something wrong with you deep inside. If only you weren’t the person you are things would be different. Either way this is wrong thinking and needs to be corrected. You may even need counseling to help you overcome this.

Finances

Divorce is devastating. It is an emotional and painful situation from which it is hard to recover psychologically. It is also very devastating financially. The legal fees that result from a divorce can wipe out any savings that the couple may have, especially if child support is involved. One of you also has to find a new place to live. The wife often keeps the house but now is totally responsible for its upkeep and repair. She may have to get a second job to pay the mortgage. Child support can cost a man almost half of his wages. This can prevent remarriage as well. It can also affect retirement and pension plans. You might seriously want to think about the financial consequences of divorce before you go through with it. It is much better to try and fix a bad marriage then to totally put two separate and broken lives back together again.

If you have a bad marriage, go to this page to receive a free special report with 29 tips on how to solve your relationship problems.

Proactive and Disciplined

One of the positive things about being married to a depressed wife is that it causes you to take action. You have to be disciplined enough to deal with any problems that arise. If your wife was not depressed she may be the one doing everything for you. This could result in you being very passive. But now you have to be on top of it all. You need to be hard-working and focused in order to make everything work. These traits are important to succeeding in all areas of life including business. Take advantage of this time in your wife’s life to develop these traits.

Being Creative

Everyone needs to have some fun and to learn to enjoy life. If your wife was the creative and fun loving person before she became depressed then you may have simply enjoyed whatever she did. There may have been no focus on your own creativity. Now you are going to need to develop that creativity for yourself. You need it for you and for her. This is a time to explore areas such as art and music and develop an outlet. You may not have seen the need for this without a depressed wife.

Showing Compassion

Any time we go through trials we can learn from them. Dealing with a depressed wife can teach you to be compassionate. It can also help you grow spiritually. If you were content with your life and have no problems before then you may have had the tendency to neglect your spiritual life. When things are going well we also tend to become self centered. Helping someone else causes us to take our eyes off ourselves. Helping you depressed wife overcome her problems will teach you to be more loving, compassionate and kind.

While no one would wish depression on any one else you can learn from it. Depression is a terrible thing to go through but you can choose to stay in your marriage and to have a good life. The things you learn while going through this can make such a difference in your life and your future. You can learn to be successful and fulfilled no matter your circumstances.

If you have a depressed wife and it is effecting your marriage, visit this page to receive a free special report with 29 tips on how to solve your marriage problems.

The reason that you felt different in these two situation, even though that you were in the exact same setting, is because you put your staying in the hotel rooms into two different “frames”. In the former case you put it in the frame of being held hostage, which causes fear. And in the latter case you put it in a frame of having a honeymoon which causes lots of positve feelings.

One way to get yourself , your children and even your mother in law to do things that are difficult for them to do is to “reframe” that difficult task into something that they want to do.

For instance, I heard a good example of reframing to get your children to get into bed on time on Chris Thompson’s audio course “Talking To Toddlers”.

Let’s say that your child doesn’t want to get into bed on time because he looks at it (puts a frame around it) as having to stop having fun. Therefore, what you should do is to to have a race who can get into the bedroom first. Or take out a stop watch and time how fast he can get into his pajamas. After you reframe the activity of going to bed from having to stop having fun into a game he is much more likely to comply.

How can you use reframing to cope with an interfering mother in law?

Let’s say that you realize that the reason that your mother in law doesn’t leave you and your husband alone because she is a widow and she is scared that if she will stay out of sight then her son will forget about her when she is old (which happens to be a common fear of widowed mother in laws).

In such a case you have to find stories, movies, or just mention from time to time how “distance makes the heart grow founder” and there is a greater chance that he will take her if she stays away than if she is always there. Obviously, you have to do in a very nice and gentle way, and it always work and it will not work the first time you do this.

However, you will see that with time they will “buy into” this new way of looking at things (the reframe) and they might begin to be a little less interfering.

To learn more strategies to deal with ALL AGE people (from 2 to 90) click here to access a copy of “Talking To Toddlers” (don’t get fooled by the name!) and make your dealings with your children, your spouse, and even your mother-in-law much easier.

Secondly, as long as they were there in the kitchen he couldn’t get HIS job done.

In the course of time he developed a real simple but effective strategy to get the guys to return to class. When he felt that “enough was enough” he would say, “John, you know your just sitting here anyways, maybe you could help me and sweep over there!” Almost every time the boy would reply, “Love to help you Mr. Pepper but I have to go to class now.”

Mr. Pepper, 1- Boy, 0!

This strategy (which is called “the broom story” in my house) has many uses with your children, mother in law, and spouse. Firstly, when they ask you do something for them that is hard for you to simply say, “no”, you simply agree with their request BUT make a condition that they have to do that sounds real.

For instance, “Mom, can you drive me to basketball practice”. “Sure”, you answer, “but I can’t go until I finish the dishes. Finish the dishes and I’ll take you.” You probably won’t end up taking him, but even if he does do his part of the bargain- dries the dishes- and you do have to take him, at least gained his help!

Secondly, it’s an effective strategy to prevent someone from doing something that you don’t want them to do.

For instance, let’s say that your mother in law wants to take care of your children and you DON’T want her to. (Whenever she takes care of them she gives them so much candy and cake that they don’t feel themselves for a few days). The way to answer this request is simple, “That would be great (lie). But can you first go to the post office and pick up a package for me. (or something that you know she doesn’t like to do). She’ll make up some excuse why she can’t go for you and you’re “off the hook”.

This tactic like all tactics is not 100% effective and obviously it is much easier to use with children than with adults. However, the more you use it and the more smoothly you say it , you will see that it is a VERY effective tool.

To learn more strategies to deal with ALL AGE people (from 2 to 90) click here to access a copy of “Talking To Toddlers” (don’t get fooled by the name!) and make your dealings with your children, your spouse, and even your mother-in-law much easier.

You ask your husband to help with the dishes. He sincerely says, “O.K” and then, at the end of the meal… you can’t find him?

You beg your mother in law not to criticize your cooking and embarrass you at the upcoming family gathering (even though “they’re all family”) and it’s as if you talked to a wall; you hear her saying how it’s too salty, too sweet, or undercooked. (Interesting, not one crumb was left over and your dear mother in law took doubles!)?

Another common scenario. You cancel an appointment to give your child a special treat,; to go to their favorite park. When you get there, though, they make a long face and tell you that they would have preferred to stay at home and watched a video ?

This is so annoying and frustrating!!

Well, I heard a great technique (trick?) on the audio course “Talking To Toddlers” which like most of his ideas are as applicable to your mother in law as to your granddaughter! (I don’t know why he called it “Talking To Toddlers” and not “Persuading People”.)

The way to get people to comply with what you ask them, he contends, is to get them involved in the process of the decision. He calls it “The Rule of Commitment And Consistency”. It means that people tend to act in way that is consistent with what they said or did in the past.

For instance, a company that sold encyclopedias door to door noticed that a lot of people who ordered the encyclopedias would cancel their orders after the salesman left.

To correct this and increase their sales they instructed their salesmen to have the costumer fill out the order form INSTEAD of the salesman. Guess what; the cancelation rate noticeably fell!

The reason for this is “The Rule Of Commitment And Consistency”; when they took an active part in the buying process they were more prone to stick with their decision.

How can you use this in your family?

Instead of just asking your husband to help with the dishes, ask him if he has a good idea how you can finish with the dinner dishes quickly. Keep on talking to him until HE comes up with the idea that HE will lend a helping hand. (It would be better if he would make some gadget for doing the dishes!)

With your mother in law: Ask her for a recipe and have her read it to you. (You don’t really have to follow every thing that she says, she only has to think that it is HER recipe.) If you can work with her in the kitchen (which I understand isn’t always feasible), this is much better. Or even to ask her in what kind of container to serve it will give her the illusion that she helped you make it and will result in not being so critical.

Thirdly, with your children: Have them be a part in the process of choosing the park. When they feel that it is their decision they will enjoy it much more.

I’m telling you, this little audio course is full of great content. (You only need a little creativity to apply it to your situation.)

Don’t be put off by the name. You can use his ideas with all members of your family; your spouse, your in-laws, and your children.

Wether you order it before you reread this article or afterwords, do yourself a favor and make your life easier- click here to order it.

Dr. James Prochaska called the second stage of people who want to change a bad habit “contemplation”. This means that the sufferer of depression is “sitting on the fence”. On the one hand they do recognize that they are depressed and that they need help but on the other hand they have some valid reservations to start the therapy. When they are in this “cost vs. benefit” state you should still not try to push them to go for therapy. It is still too early for this.

Some of the common arguments that they will bring up against going to therapy are:

*Expense. This is not a bizarre concern. Therapists and medications are not cheap.

*It will only make things worth. They are afraid that if they begin to tackle their situation things might get worse.

* Social fears. In our society there is a stigma to suffer from psychological disorders. People are not embarrassed and don’t keep it quiet that they have high cholesterol or back problems. On the other hands people are very embarrassed to admit that they suffer from depression or other neurological disorders.

*Perfectionism. The suffer might bring up the argument that they are willing to go to someone, but only to someone who is THE expert in treating depressed people. They feel that for all the effort that they have to put in to get better, there is no reason to go anyone but THE best.

What is your job when your loved one is going through this stage?

* Firstly, DON’T push them to go to therapy yet. You might be so enthusiastic that he finally sees his problem and admits to it that you’ll be trying to push him to get help RIGHT NOW. This is a big mistake. If he begins treatment BEFORE he realizes that the benefit (not being depressed) outweighs the cost (the money, the social stigma, the chance of failing) then he won’t go through with it and drop out in the middle. When he sees that check going out of the bank, hears an unintentional joke about people going to psychologists, or when it gets tough at the psychologist then he will stop it and won’t go back to it for a long time.

* Validate their arguments and tell them that you understand where they are coming from.

*Reassure them that you are not pushing them to anything and that the decision rests in their hand.

* Help him to see how the benefits overweigh the cost. This is done in two ways; to show him how big the benefits are or to point out to him that the costs are not so great as they seem to be.

For instance, if he argues that it is very expensive to go to a therapist then you should point out the cost of NOT going to therapist; the missed work days or the extra help in the house that you need to hire.

If he is scared that others will find out that he is going for treatment then you can help make a plan that it will stay a secret.

If you are having marriage problems and your loved one is holding in the contemplation stage of change, it is very important that YOU stay very patient and don’t jump the gun. Hold in your excitement and wait patiently for him to come to the logical conclusion that, at almost all costs, it is worth it worth it for him to fight his depression.

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The good news is that it is controllable. With the proper therapy, and medicine - when needed, people who suffer from depressive disorders can life normal fulfilling lives.

The bad news, though, is that it takes time. It is a process. Even after the sufferer admits that he is depressed (which is a huge step towards recovery) and begins to think how to get overcome it there is still a long way to go.

The next stage, according to Dr. James Prochaska is called the “preparation stage”. In this stage they, as the name implies, prepare to take steps to conquer their disorder. You, the spouse or loved one of the sufferer, have to be patient and understand that there is a long way between realizing and wanting to change and actually changing.

In this article I point out some of preliminary steps that must be taken care of and how you should help.

After a person decides to get help for his depression (and fix up his life and his marriage problems) there are three basic things that must be done.

He has to find a therapist, support group or some self- help books (as a start). He WILL NOT overcome depression just because he wants to overcome it.

If he feels that he needs professional help then he has to find out if insurance will cover it or if he has the funds to pay for this help.

He has to find a way to fit it into his schedule (if he still has one) and he has to have a way to get there.

What is your job when your loved one is at this stage.

Firstly, make sure that it is feasible for him to get help. For instance, YOU have to make sure that there is some way to get the money for the therapist or to look for some other way to get help. You might not tell him that you did this research but you have to make sure that the finances are in place. It is a disaster if he did all of the work to get here to find out that there is no therapist in your area with expertise in depression or that you don’t have the resources to get help.

Give subtle compliments and commend him on the fact that he got to where he got to even thought that it was so hard.

Talk about how good it will be after he gets the help that he needs and how things will go back to the way that they were before he started to suffer from this disorder. Be careful though that this won’t make him scared to continue.

Be prepared for some obstacles that will be there (and there will be lots of them) and think of alternative plans to help your spouse. Remember, they are just preparing to take action to overcome their depression. They are, however, still depressed, which means not fully functional.

Don’t push for big steps. Help them to take little steps but keep on prodding them on, with subtle compliments and reward systems (Do you know what, honey? Call the bank to see how much is in our saving’s account and to celebrate we’ll…..! How does that sound?)

Depression causes a myriad of marriage problems. However if be patient and supportive and you will be able to help your spouse overcome his depression and have a fulfilling and great life with him.

It’s no wonder that his methods work with adults; he took them from tactics that salesmen use all the time to close sales!

For instance, one of his techniques is called a double bind.

In salesmanship it goes like this.

A salesperson sees a costumer is hesitant to buy something. She goes over to the costumer and asks, “I see that you are having trouble deciding to buy this. Would you like to pay for it in two installments or in three?”

Usually the costumer will answer either two or three and thereby deciding to buy it even though that one second before the saleswoman opened her mouth she was unsure if she was going to buy it or not !

I agree that in salesmanship it seems to be a little sly and unethical but it is very ethical and even virtuous to get your loved one to stop smoking, go on a diet, or get help for some illness that they are experiencing.

Let’s say that your husbands smokes and you are worried of the danger for his health and the health of your whole family.

You could say, “ Maybe you could try to stop?” However, you know where this will get you; a fight or yelling match.

A better way to do it using “the double bind” method would be to say, “Bill, I’m really afraid that your smoking is hurting you and I also see that that it is effecting the kids. Would you like to try to stop smoking and the money we save we’ll buy you a new car. Or would you rather go on a vacation with the money we save?”

When you offer the “two choices” (which are really only one choice; to stop smoking” smoothly and fluently you will be amazed at how often they will respond affirmatively to what you REALLY want.

In business this might be sly and unethical but don’t you agree that when it comes to helping our loved ones it is commendable?

Make your life easier and click here to access a copy of “Talking To Toddlers” and use the techniques on all of your children, your spouse, and even your mother-in-law to help them do what EVEN they feel is right (but tough).