Does Your Mother In Law Make You Tense? The First Step To Fix This Up Is…
Relationships with mothers in law can be real mean and nasty. To fix it up might take a lot of work but for your own sake, the sake of your spouse (it is their mother) and for the sake of your children it is surely worth the effort.
But don’t just jump in and try to fix things up. Before you begin to deal with your relationship with your mother in law you have to first work out in your mind, as clearly as possible what is your goal. What is it that you really want the relationship to be? Your desired outcome will determine the way to deal with the situation.
Don’t think that this is so easy. Here are some different goals that one might want:
- To rebuild (or build) a relationship with her.
- No connection at all (if she is pathologically sick).
- No connection with your children but you don’t mind seeing her (you don’t like being with her but you are strong enough to “stomach her”.
- You don’t want any connection with her but you don’t mind if your children see her.
- Casual connection with her is alright but not in your house.
- You couldn’t care less if she comes or not but you just want your spouse to be on your side.
This has to be crystal clear to you before you begin to improve your relationship with her in order to make a plan.
For instance, a lady just asked what to do with her MIL who never stops criticizing her. When she (the mother) gives a cooky to her 4 year old the “old hag” tells her that he is eating too much sugar and that it isn’t healthy. When she gives him an apple instead of a cooky her monster-in-law tells her that she should give him some cookies so he doesn’t feel any different than the other children in nursery. She can never win. What should she do?
Well, the first question to ask her is how does she want this relationship to look like?
If you would like to rebuild your relationship with her then you have to learn what she likes and do it with her. It will be tough but it’s worth it to hold your tongue.
On the other hand, if she wants to cut all ties with her then you can gather up the strength to avoid her at all costs. Don’t return phone calls. Don’t go to family evens where she will be. (If you go this route, you will need a support group or someone to give you the strength to go through with it)
If you don’t mind seeing her but you don’t want her next to your children then a whole different strategy is needed. (Go to a different playground every afternoon (never stay in the house where she will find you) and “forget” your cell phone.
However if she really isn’t so bad and it’s just the criticism that is driving her crazy then you can ask her to stay with the kids and just stay far away from her. Or a better strategy is to build your own self confidence so that those nasty and poisonous statements won’t affect you.
The main point here is to have very clear in your mind what you want and where you want to go. Like they say, “If you don’t know where you are going you probably won’t make it there
!”
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