5 Ways To Manage Your Intrusive Mother In Law
This is a part of a recent email I received.
My MIL is a major trouble area. My DH(husband) and I stay withher and she is a widow…She interferes in each and everything we do…She wants to know everything…She poses herself on us on everything…If I give my DH something to eat she will interfere and ask himnot to have that…She creates lot of problems between both of us. When she is out of town which happens twice in the last two years we never have fightsand no unnecessary arguments… She never gives space to us, tries that both of us do not go out alone, never lets us talkfreely. I have major stress and gettingthoughts abt getting separated .. but its not easy I know I cannot livewithout him… I even felt of running away from this life .. but .. I dont feel like going back home after work…Pls help me solving these problems and simplify my life, I am a working women and coz of all these tensions I am not evenable to focus on my work.
Pretty sad.
The first thing to understand is that this interference is seen a lot in widowed and divorced Mother In Laws. They are jealous that their DIL has a husband and more than that they thought that their son would be their companion and supporter FOR EVER. And then you came along… She is now scared and unsure of the future so she butts into everything to make sure that she is not alone.
How To Deal With Your Intrusive Mother In Law
There are a few things to do to better her situation.
1. To constantly- subtly and openly-reassure her that there is nothing to worry about, you and your husband will take care of her forever.
2. She and/or her husband have to help her BEFORE she asks for the help. Like this she will feel secure and cared for and eventually leave youalone.
3. Realize that she has the emotional maturity of a young child. Therefore you have to find a solution that is “age appropriate” for that age. A good strategy is to “catch her doing something good” and to reward her for it. For instance, let’s say that for some reason- even unintentionally- she let’s you go out with your husband or doesn’t butt into your business one time. Then reward her with what she really wants-some time with your husband. Tell her, “Mom, I appreciate that you let me and…. (DH) go out for supper together. Would you like to go out with him tomorrow. If you think that this is childish, you are right- but remember, this IS age appropriate for HER emotional maturity. Keep it up and it will surely work.
4. Just to keep reminding yourself that she is just a pitiful creature trying to survive her plight, might make it easier for you to deal with her.
5. If you have a sense of humor and “chutzpah” you can try this; promise yourself to buy something very nice after, let’s say 10 insults from her. Something nice that you really want but don’t want to spend the money. After she makes you feel bad 10 times you buy it. When you come home and she asks (which she surely will since she always mixes into your business),”Why did you treat yourself to a new outfit or to go out on the town with your husband” tell her( calmly) the truth, “I promised myself a present every 10 times you insult me (or make me feel bad)”. After she sees that you benifit from her bad behavior, she might change real fast!
It’s no picnic having an intruding mother in law but it is solvable. You just need lots of patience andthe guts to do something about it.
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