3 Ways To Build Low Self Esteem And Your Marriage
William Shakespeare wrote, “for there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” This so aptly describes the life of someone who suffers from low self esteem; it is not their life’s circumstances which cause their low self esteem but rather it is the way that they look at what is happening them. If you suffer from low self esteem or a married to someone who suffers from it, then you know how hard it is for this kind of person to have a good marriage.
There is good news, though. Dr. Aaron Beck identified 9 common cognitive distortions that bring on low esteem. Not only did he identify them but he also revealed how to challenge these thought patterns in order to build their self esteem.
In this article I present 3 common and hazardous thought patterns of a person with low self esteem and how to challenge these thoughts.
1. All-Or-Nothing thinking. One of the biggest causes of low self esteem is that a person perceives the world to be either “black or white” with no grey. Either he gets a 100 on his test or he failed. Either his wife ALWAYS wants to talk with him or she hates him.
How do you stop such a debilitating thought pattern? When you hear such nonsense (in reality there is almost no black or white; EVERYTHING is grey!) ask him very gently (because he REALLY sees things like this; he is not putting it on) “Can you imagine that someone really loves someone else but wants a little space for themselves?” Or, “Is there really no difference between a 90 and a 20?”
2. Jumping to conclusions. There are two basic sub categories:
Mind reading: This means that they imagine what the other person is thinking by what happened. For instance, if his wife didn’t have supper ready on time then he “reads her mind” that she thinks that he isn’t good enough for her to bother making him supper.
How to challenge this? Ask them, “Can you imagine that you wife loves you but something else prevented her from having supper ready for you on time?” Again, even though you think that he is “way off” be gentle with him; he SUFFERS from low self esteem.
Fortune telling. This means that they predict the future (of course negatively). For instance, they say something like, “The way I look I’ll never get the job”.
The challenge for this: “Can you possible imagine a scenario that you might get the job even with your credentials?”
3. Over generalization. A person with a low self esteem will make “ a mountain out of a mole hill”. If they burned a cake that they were making for a family get together they will say, “I can’t do anything right. I ALWAYS botch things up!”
Be firm and gentle and ask them, “Always?”
Low self esteem takes it toll on a marriage but there are ways to destroy the toxic thinking of low self esteem. Listen closely to the thought patterns of your spouse, challenge them, and begin to enjoy your life with someone who has a good self esteem.
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